The Death of a Marriage

Looking at all of this, a divorce is similar in some ways to death. You mourn the loss of a "loved one" (the marriage) and wonder how you'll get through the pain and hurt. In reality it is the death of a marriage, a union, but then - the similarities end.

When someone dies you have the promise of being reunited with them at the end of your own life. With a divorce, there is no chance you will ever again see  what you had before. That almost makes it more painful. I can mourn for lost loved ones and eventually get through because of that promise of seeing them again. The only way one can even glimpse what they have lost after divorce is if they remarry - but it is still not exactly what they lost in the first place.

That is not to say I cannot get through a divorce, I'm just saying there is a different perspective. I cannot say, "I'll find love again and remarry" because I don't know that. Many people have told me this. And I appreciate the words of encouragement and attempted comfort so much, but that fact is they don't know that. My perspective must be one of, "I can get through the death of my marriage - even if it means I'll be without a partner for the rest of my life." And that is a hard pill to swallow at times.

I'm not even 30, yet I am preparing myself for the chance that I might not meet someone and remarry. I will be divorced, but who's to say the Church will annul my marriage? If they do, it is still not guaranteed I'll meet someone. After all, a divorcee with two children is a pretty hard sell in itself. Combine that with having Catholic beliefs...well...it will need to be someone God truly wants for me in order for it to work. I know this is all God's will and I'm not worrying constantly, but it does cross my mind and I do become sad.

I am sad that I will wake up alone each morning. I am sad that I will eat at my table alone later in life when my children are gone. I am sad that I'll even watch TV alone - or that whenever I want to go somewhere I need to find someone to go with me or go alone. There is no built in partner or confidant. I am sad that when I am lonely or crying or hurting at night, there will be no one to wrap their arms around me and just hold me. That to me has been the hardest. Not having anyone to hold me.

The night before last I told my (ex)spouse that when we sign the community property settlement I think we should make the divorce final. He said, "I thought you weren't ready." I asked him what would be the point of not signing? He's not remorseful or wanting to reconcile - so why drag this out? He agreed that we should just sign. Before he was even out of the door there were tears in my eyes.

This part is like watching someone very, very ill dying. You know it is best if they die. They will be at peace and in a much better place. But you will still be left here, missing them, wanting to see them one more time. That is where I am. I know that I never had a real marriage and that holding on to the title "married" isn't worth it - but that knowledge doesn't make it hurt any less. I ache in a way I have never felt. That ache is due to the knowledge that once I experience this death, I will never see this thing I once loved again.

Lord,
I am so sad right now. I am beginning to feel lonely and apart from my friends and family. Please, help me to feel Your presence as I near the end of my legal marriage. Help me hold my head high and accept Your will for me.
Amen

Mother's Day

No matter where this life is leading me, I have been blessed beyond measure by my two children. They are my world and I adore them so completely. Amidst all the anger and resentment I feel for my (ex)spouse, I should feel thankful. After all, had it not been for him I wouldn't have the two beautiful creatures that I can call my own.

So, tomorrow is Mother's Day. And I am thankful that God saw in His infinite wisdom that it was good for me to be with my (ex)spouse for a time. For in that time my daughter and son came to be...and I wouldn't trade that for the world! 

I am also thankful for my own mother who has been an amazing rock throughout this divorce. 

Finally, I am thankful always for the Blessed Virgin, who is an example for all mothers everywhere. If God were to grant me 1/10 of her grace, humility and faith, I would most certainly be an amazing woman!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there.