Today is World Marriage Day. As I listened to the homily at mass, I wasn't certain how I should be feeling. How I should be reacting. The Deacon spoke of marriage as sacred. He spoke of marriage as a sacrament. He also spoke of marriage being the root of the family, and that without a marriage the family is at risk for being broken.
So, will my children grow up feeling broken? Will they grow up believing marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper? No, I don't believe my children will feel that way - because I don't feel that way. I fully believe in marriage as a Sacrament. I believe that married couples are pictures - glimpses - of the love the Jesus Christ has for us. I know that marriage is a vocation. Unfortunately, my spouse did not believe in marriage the same way I did.
I believe my ex-spouse is broken. He is lost in the depths of self-gratification and self-exaltation, so to speak. I pray for him. I know Jesus did not create his heart to be the way it is now. His heart is hardened and he turns from God, who would be his only chance at changing his ways. Often times, when we are so immersed in something, we cannot even see how it could be - how it should be. We have to want to change. We have to realize that we long for Christ; thirst for Christ. If we replace the longing and thirsting for Christ with other things, we are ultimately leading to our own destruction. That is what has happened with my ex-spouse and that is one of the factors that has brought me to where I am today.
Today on World Marriage Day, I pray for all married couples. That they fully allow Christ into their marriage. I pray for all engaged couples. That they fully understand what marriage is. I also pray for all of those who are separated or divorced. That they may continue to find strength in Christ. That they may continue to pray for those who have hurt them. That they may be able to truly forgive. And that, eventually, they find happiness in a new relationship that God has planned, or find happiness alone if that is God's will.
Am I sad today? A little. But I know as long as my eyes are fixed on Christ I will get through all of this.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
There are those moments....
Yesterday I celebrated my baby boy's first birthday with a small party. It was wonderful sharing that special moment with my friends and parents. I am truly blessed by the wonderful people I have in my life. The day was great and everyone - including the birthday boy - had a great time!
Then, last night as I was lying in bed, the reality of the situation I am in hit me again. So, I cried.
I cried, not for myself, but for my children. I cried because I had just celebrated my son's first birthday without his father there. I cried because neither of my children have really had a chance to grow up knowing what a family is like. I cried because I can't help but wonder what they will think as they grow up - how they will adjust.
Will they be afraid to be in relationships? Will they resent one of us for the divorce? How will I raise them strong in their faith, a faith which does not believe in divorce, when they come from a divorced family?
I cried and prayed for strength. I hear all the time how strong I am being. How great I am dealing with all of this. And it has been alright for the most part, but when I do have those moments of fear and worry I feel weak and like I should hide the fact that is the most difficult thing I've ever gone through.
My mind and heart scream, "We never wanted this!" I search my memories for anything that makes me think I was too rash in my decision to file. That something would've worked out. I look at how we are now and wonder if we could reconcile. Everything within me says, no, that is not what God wants for me. But, then again, I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness for that of my children. Would they be happier?
Far too much has taken place and reconciliation will not happen. But I still have those moments when I wonder if I am on the right path. Those moments of weakness and fear. It is then that I know I have to lean on Christ. That I have to pray for his arms to carry me through. He will take care of me and my children. He will find a way to plant His love within our hearts and not let what has happened dictate the rest of our lives and views. I pray that I may continue to have the strength to let go and let Him take over.
Then, last night as I was lying in bed, the reality of the situation I am in hit me again. So, I cried.
I cried, not for myself, but for my children. I cried because I had just celebrated my son's first birthday without his father there. I cried because neither of my children have really had a chance to grow up knowing what a family is like. I cried because I can't help but wonder what they will think as they grow up - how they will adjust.
Will they be afraid to be in relationships? Will they resent one of us for the divorce? How will I raise them strong in their faith, a faith which does not believe in divorce, when they come from a divorced family?
I cried and prayed for strength. I hear all the time how strong I am being. How great I am dealing with all of this. And it has been alright for the most part, but when I do have those moments of fear and worry I feel weak and like I should hide the fact that is the most difficult thing I've ever gone through.
My mind and heart scream, "We never wanted this!" I search my memories for anything that makes me think I was too rash in my decision to file. That something would've worked out. I look at how we are now and wonder if we could reconcile. Everything within me says, no, that is not what God wants for me. But, then again, I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness for that of my children. Would they be happier?
Far too much has taken place and reconciliation will not happen. But I still have those moments when I wonder if I am on the right path. Those moments of weakness and fear. It is then that I know I have to lean on Christ. That I have to pray for his arms to carry me through. He will take care of me and my children. He will find a way to plant His love within our hearts and not let what has happened dictate the rest of our lives and views. I pray that I may continue to have the strength to let go and let Him take over.
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