I has been quite a while since I've blogged. Things have been very hectic lately and I honestly haven't had much to say. Not that I haven't had things going on, I just haven't known how to put into words what I've been experiencing lately.
I do have to say this Christmas was more difficult than I expected it to be. I thought the second year alone would be easier...but I was wrong. It almost felt worse. Maybe it is because now I am realizing that I would really like to move on and start dating someone? Maybe it is because I realize things are not going to change? Either way, I was a bit down. Just a bit, though, as it is hard to wallow in my own misery too much when I have my two precious children around me. They keep me focused and grounded.
They also keep my eyes open to the kind of man my ex-husband was/is. Everyone is different, I know. And everyone loves in different ways, but he is withdrawing from the kids (as I have seen for a while) and that is killing me. Whenever I question my decision to divorce, I reflect back on the kind of father he is and know in my heart that my decision was the right one. I still hope and pray that one day he'll become the father my kids deserve. That is something that frustrates my family greatly. I keep trying to make him care. It always ends up with me upset and crying and angry. They always tell me that I'm bringing it on myself and that he won't change. And I tell them, as I always have, that I have to hope he will...for the children. Because my two blessing deserve better.
My ex-husband is dating again. I don't know who, and I won't ask. But I feel incredible resentment toward him for that. It is not that I wish he were with me...no! It is that if I feel so alone, and unable to be loved my a man, and miss out on hugs and comfort from someone, why shouldn't he experience that same loneliness? It isn't fair that I should wait, and wonder, and go through the annulment process, but he's back out there enjoying the company of someone and I am still alone. I know I should be more concerned with myself and not reflect so much on what he is doing, but I honestly cannot help it.
I hope that my feelings of anger and resentment and utter confusion lessen. I pray that I can focus on my own self and goals rather than what he is doing. I keep telling myself that God has a plan for me, and I should trust Him. It is just so difficult to wait on the Lord's plan when I feel so alone.
