My Own Private Pity Party

I've done it. I've fallen into the pity party trap. I'm whining and venting and letting it all go. I know I shouldn't act this way, but I just can't seem to help it lately. My level of frustration has reached its maximum level.

I know there are so many people who have much more right to complain about their circumstances than I do. I am blessed beyond measure by my children, family and friends. I am blessed with gifts from God. So, then, why do I allow my heart to feel this way?

Today I plan on consecrating myself to Christ through Mary. I am so afraid to do this, though, because I am so filled with anger and loathing toward my (ex)spouse. I feel hypocritical and like I am failing God by having these feelings. I will move forward with my consecration hoping that it will at least partially calm the storm within my heart, but am I strong enough to make it through to the other side?

"You'll Never Walk Alone" is playing in my mind right now (Elvis' version to be precise). I KNOW I am not alone. I KNOW there is light on the other side. Yet even knowing these things I still feel the weight of this situation on my shoulders. On my world.

I will be divorced soon. I will be treated unfairly. I will be belittled and ridiculed by my (ex)spouse. He will not have to suffer any consequences for his actions. I will struggle to pay my bills. I will be lied to. I will be able to make it through. I will be lifted up by Christ and Mary. I will be supported unconditionally by my friends and family. I will be stronger and more faithful because of this. I will make a sincere effort to NOT complain and vent in public!


My God, You did not complain about the cup You drank from! You didn't whine about the betrayal or crucifixion. Mary, you didn't lash out at those who destroyed and disgraced your precious son. Your baby. You both bore your crosses gracefully and humbly. Please, please, please help me to do the same. I am weak and human and tempted to give in to my own self pity. The invitations are addressed and stamped. Please, help me throw them away rather than send them along.

Forgiveness

Can people truly forgive? I'm beginning to wonder if it is at all possible. I try, I do. But inevitably something happens and all of my previous anger comes back full force. All of the reasons, moments, actions flood my mind like a movie on fast forward. One after the other. Then, I'm not only because of whatever just happened, but rather I'm angry because of EVERYTHING.

My book I'm reading says to forgive the intent. Meaning, the things most people do that hurt others are not actions intentionally meant to hurt someone else. It is actually just an action they perform for their own self-gratification, which in turn hurts someone else. Take an affair. Most people have the affair because of their own selfish reasons and desires - not to harm their spouse. There are some that do want to inflict harm, but for the most part it is just pure selfishness.

I also feel that as I am trying to forgive I am also expecting him to change. This is foolish on my part, I know, but I can't help it. So many times I vow to forgive him, I beg for the spirit of forgiveness, then he comes to visit our children and will say or do something and I'm angry.

I need to not only forgive the past, but also forgive his present actions because he will not change. I need to forgive him because he obviously cannot help it. I need to forgive because holding that much anger in my heart is hurting ME an I deserve better!

Dear Lord,
Please grant me the grace to not only forgive the past and present, but also the desire to forgive.
In Your name I pray.
Amen