What the Children Do Not Know

People continue to amaze me. I try and try to believe that people can change and that good can be found, but daily I am not-so-gently shown otherwise. As I continue to tell myself he won't change and that it is what it is, my heart continuously breaks.

My heart doesn't break for me, though. Reflecting recently on my divorce and the breakdown of my marriage I realized I never felt as if he'd broken my heart. Shattered my world, my hopes, my dreams - yes. But broke my heart? No. Maybe this was because he never really had my heart in the first place?

No, my heart breaks for my children. I look at them and see them as precious gifts from God. Gifts to be cherished and loved. Gifts that, should the need arise, I would gladly give my life for. I see their smiling faces. Full of trust and hope. I see them laugh and play. I would love it if they stayed just this way - innocent. I see all of this and I wonder how on earth he cannot feel the same way? Why doesn't he want to spend every chance he can with them?

Ultimately the "Why" isn't important. It is what it is and he won't change. So,  my heart breaks because I know that one day my children will see him for who he truly is, and I know that day will be devastating. I will not tell them. That is not my place nor do I want to be the one who shatters their precious worlds. No, he'll show them himself, I'm sure. But what will I do then?


How will I comfort them? How will I explain why he doesn't come around? So many questions. And I know this is something far off, but I feel I need to prepare myself for that. Already the visits are shorter and less frequent. Visits are missed because of going out or other plans. And as my children ask for "Daddy" and I say, once again, "Daddy's not coming - he was super busy -  but he'll see you soon" or "Daddy will be here soon, his new job makes it hard for him to be here" my heart is now breaking.


Thank God they do not know now what is going on. Thank God they still smile and laugh and play and love. Thank God they are mine. I just pray I can be what I need to be for them.

Friends with Benefits?

While watching tv the other night a preview for the upcoming film, Friends with Benefits came on. All I could think of was, “Wow.” We allow this type of “entertainment” to be glorified and then wonder why our society is so utterly lost. 

According to a submitter on Urbandictionary.com, friends with benefits can be defined as “two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.” And therein lies the problem.  Casual sex, being noncommittal, shirking all accountability and responsibility – these are the avenues our society chooses to take. 

People praise themselves as being free to do as they please, yet at the same time they allow themselves to be controlled by their self-gratifying behavior. How is that freedom? How are you free when you feel a compulsion toward sex? How are you free when you feel you must not commit to anyone? That isn’t freedom. It is simply another type of bondage. Being bound by your own desires and instincts or by what society says is acceptable isn’t freedom.

With movies like Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached is it any wonder that we, as a society, feel the way we do about sex and relationships? These both boast of freedom from commitment. All of the fun but none of the worry, so to speak. The interesting thing is, the end is always the same – you CAN’T have just “casual sex” and not feel SOMETHING. The end always has the two “sex partners” falling in love. That speaks volumes about the reality of these situations that are so highly sought after.

It is even interesting when you think of how sex is viewed when it comes to different people. When thinking of parents, most people cringe and are “disgusted” – yet that is what brought them into the world! For most it was an act of love and commitment that brought about the miracle of life! Then you think of two Hollywood stars – who are actors, not committed to each other, not even necessarily portraying people who love each other - and that’s when people pay to see it. How skewed is that perspective? We cringe at the thought of an act of love, but crave visuals of merely “acting”. We want to see something that isn’t real and that is just satisfying those instincts and desires. We don’t want to see something beautiful and true. 

I guess I am becoming more and more aware of what movies and the media are doing to our views on sex and relationships. The distortion seems magnified to me lately. Thank God I am seeing things more clearly. For so many years I have viewed the world through secular eyes covered with a thin Catholic film. Now, however, my eyes are becoming more Catholic and the film more secular. I am realizing daily that even though people say they want something casual and that they don’t care, they are ultimately seeking the same thing everyone wants – to be and FEEL loved. Love! We need to turn our eyes and hearts from seeking “benefits” which mimic love, and turn to giving and receiving true gifts of love.

Discernment - Where do I go now?

Well, here I am. Turning the big 3-0 in four months, now legally divorced with two children. I say “legally” because I am Catholic and Catholics do not believe that declaring a marriage “over” within the courts deems that marriage truly over. Catholics believe marriage is a sacrament and that the marriage is binding until death unless declared “null”.

                When a marriage is declared null, it actually is not based on the events during the marriage – as most civil divorces are. A declaration of nullity is only given if the events/circumstances that occurred and existed before the marriage would render one or both parties incapable (in one way or another) of truly making a marriage vow.

                I am going to petition for an “annulment”. I have prayed about my marriage and the time before my marriage and I believe that a true marriage never existed. It is interesting to me that I have left my marriage with much more prayer and faith than I had entering my marriage. But, if I had experienced this conversion sooner I would’ve never married my (ex)husband in the first place and wouldn’t have my two beautiful, perfect children. God has a funny way of bringing something wonderful and miraculous out of something terrible and destructive. So, I am moving forward now that my divorce is final with my petition for an annulment. That, however, brings me to my topic: discerning where to go from here.

                What is discernment, exactly? Discernment is basically allowing God to take an active part in the decisions you make. You invite and welcome Him into your heart and mind as you pray about the paths you are thinking of taking. For example, I came to the decision to petition for an annulment through discerning that was God’s will for me – or the path He wants me to take. As I said, I am leaving this marriage with far more prayer and part of that prayer has been constantly petitioning for the insight to do God’s will and only His will.

                It has been very difficult at times trying to figure out if I was going down the right path, or if I was allowing my own selfishness to come into play. When I made the decision to file for divorce (yes, it was me who filed) I prayed constantly for guidance. I prayed that my decision was a wise one, that would lead me further down the path God had chosen for me.  Even though I felt in my heart that it was the right thing I was constantly questioning my decision. So many factors were in the mix. Children. Family. The fact that once you file and the “stuff” starts to come out that there is really no turning back. I did not want to make this decision and realize later it was a huge mistake.

                Not only has it been difficult, I have also placed myself in situations I know were not right. I have allowed anger to seep through my every pore and have lashed out at my (ex)husband, my family, as well as his family. I have felt such strong resentment and loathing toward my (ex)husband and have said terrible, terrible things to my friends and family. Those times have become less frequent, but I still have those moments when I am not allowed God into my heart. In fact, at those times I’m not even allowing him through the front door!

                But I am only an imperfect, broken human. My actions are not right, but they can also be forgiven. I can move on from where I am and where I’ve been and come to the place God has planned for me all along. I do this through prayer. Prayers for guidance. Prayers for strength and peace. Prayers to forgive.

                So, I have once again come back to discerning where to go. I have felt for quite some time an urge to do “more”. I have an unyielding desire to make an impact on others in a positive way. So what, right? Many people want that.  Yes, many people do want that. I am one of them. The trouble is I’m not certain what exactly God is calling me to do with this desire. I feel that the things I have experienced in my life have prepared me for whatever it is. That, in part, is why I blog and talk openly to my friends and family about my divorce. I don’t people to feel ashamed by their emotions or questions or weaknesses. I believe that if someone else can see that I feel the same way; then maybe it won’t be so terribly dark for them.

                For now, I am simply following the leads God is giving me. I will begin a new job next year. This job is monetarily not nearly as good as my last job, but I will be surrounded by Christ openly. I will be able to hold myself accountable every day. I will be teaching in a Catholic school and will be an example to everyone I come in contact with of how one should behave as a legally divorced Catholic who was not received an annulment. That is awesome! How much more powerfully can God show His love for me? Not only has He blessed me with this position, He is also saying that He trusts that I can uphold the precepts of my beautiful, Catholic faith! I will continue praying and looking for the doors that God continues to open.

The Roller Coaster of Feelings

I am divorced. Wow. Three words that literally make my heart skip a beat and tears fill my eyes. My throat gets that tight feeling and I don't really know what to do.

It is all so surreal. I just cannot get over the fact that my kids are now from a 'broken home'. How do I help them overcome that? How do I help them overcome the odds that they won't end up here, too? My heart is breaking for them as I think of all they will never have.

I keep screaming in my mind "I don't want this, I don't want this". I want my family. I want to go to the grocery store and have my children go with both their mom AND dad. I want to live in "our" house - not, as my daughter is now saying, "mommy's house" or "daddy's house". I want my (ex)husband to apologize and hold himself accountable. I want the two of us to recognize that although we don't feel love, we need to make this work for our children. We need to salvage our marriage. The thing is, though, it was never really a healthy, loving marriage. So what on earth am I praying we salvage? A marriage of broken promises and dreams and hopes? 

As I am thinking I don't want this, I'm also thinking I need this. Knowing I need this. Knowing this is right. The marriage and relationship wasn't healthy and we are all better off. But knowing something and wanting something are often two very different things, aren't they?

I am so thankful for so many things. I want to remain strong throughout all of this. But it is so difficult. I guess it gets better. I hope it gets better. I go from this ache I've never felt before to joy at what God has done in my life, then back to the ache. I cry, I laugh, I feel anger, hurt, betrayal, hope, love. Goodness! If this were a roller coaster ride, it would be the most intense one out there.

What am I?

After reading a response to a question I posted about reverting to my maiden name, I started thinking. I certainly don't want to imply that I'm single by changing my name. But, at the same time, while I know I am still married within the church, I don't know that I consider myself "married" in the traditional sense. Do I believe by dating and/or beginning a physical/emotional relationship with someone I am being unfaithful? Yes. I find myself at times thinking of what might be ahead for me as far as relationships go, but right now I won't pursue anything.

I believe I am still married within the church, but to society I am not. So, what am I? Take Facebook. If I updated my Facebook status would I put "Divorced Catholic discerning petitioning for an annulment"? There just doesn't seem to be a proper title for me. I don't even know how to begin to explain the whole divorced-Catholic situation. I feel that by even saying I'm divorced I'm disassociating myself with my faith and going against what the Church teaches. But that can't be, can it?

This is all kind of like losing my place in the world. My (ex)husband has been referring to himself as single since shortly after he moved out. I don't think he's "single", but then again, his faith and my faith played a huge factor in the breakdown of our marriage.

Just a little lost right now. Everything was signed last week so it is now official. I am legally, civilly divorced. Kind of feels like a punch to the gut. I am so, so sad. Really "sad" isn't appropriate, nor does it fully express the level of emotion I feel, but it is still a good word. I had so many dreams of what my life would be and how my little family would grow. I would be a mom & wife. Now, I am still a mom, but I'm not a wife. Guess I'm trying to find the proper label for me right now.

I pray daily for guidance and strength. I pray for the will to forgive and move on and genuinely with my (ex)husband the best. It is so difficult, but I do try. I will just continue to pray for guidance in this as well.

The Death of a Marriage

Looking at all of this, a divorce is similar in some ways to death. You mourn the loss of a "loved one" (the marriage) and wonder how you'll get through the pain and hurt. In reality it is the death of a marriage, a union, but then - the similarities end.

When someone dies you have the promise of being reunited with them at the end of your own life. With a divorce, there is no chance you will ever again see  what you had before. That almost makes it more painful. I can mourn for lost loved ones and eventually get through because of that promise of seeing them again. The only way one can even glimpse what they have lost after divorce is if they remarry - but it is still not exactly what they lost in the first place.

That is not to say I cannot get through a divorce, I'm just saying there is a different perspective. I cannot say, "I'll find love again and remarry" because I don't know that. Many people have told me this. And I appreciate the words of encouragement and attempted comfort so much, but that fact is they don't know that. My perspective must be one of, "I can get through the death of my marriage - even if it means I'll be without a partner for the rest of my life." And that is a hard pill to swallow at times.

I'm not even 30, yet I am preparing myself for the chance that I might not meet someone and remarry. I will be divorced, but who's to say the Church will annul my marriage? If they do, it is still not guaranteed I'll meet someone. After all, a divorcee with two children is a pretty hard sell in itself. Combine that with having Catholic beliefs...well...it will need to be someone God truly wants for me in order for it to work. I know this is all God's will and I'm not worrying constantly, but it does cross my mind and I do become sad.

I am sad that I will wake up alone each morning. I am sad that I will eat at my table alone later in life when my children are gone. I am sad that I'll even watch TV alone - or that whenever I want to go somewhere I need to find someone to go with me or go alone. There is no built in partner or confidant. I am sad that when I am lonely or crying or hurting at night, there will be no one to wrap their arms around me and just hold me. That to me has been the hardest. Not having anyone to hold me.

The night before last I told my (ex)spouse that when we sign the community property settlement I think we should make the divorce final. He said, "I thought you weren't ready." I asked him what would be the point of not signing? He's not remorseful or wanting to reconcile - so why drag this out? He agreed that we should just sign. Before he was even out of the door there were tears in my eyes.

This part is like watching someone very, very ill dying. You know it is best if they die. They will be at peace and in a much better place. But you will still be left here, missing them, wanting to see them one more time. That is where I am. I know that I never had a real marriage and that holding on to the title "married" isn't worth it - but that knowledge doesn't make it hurt any less. I ache in a way I have never felt. That ache is due to the knowledge that once I experience this death, I will never see this thing I once loved again.

Lord,
I am so sad right now. I am beginning to feel lonely and apart from my friends and family. Please, help me to feel Your presence as I near the end of my legal marriage. Help me hold my head high and accept Your will for me.
Amen

Mother's Day

No matter where this life is leading me, I have been blessed beyond measure by my two children. They are my world and I adore them so completely. Amidst all the anger and resentment I feel for my (ex)spouse, I should feel thankful. After all, had it not been for him I wouldn't have the two beautiful creatures that I can call my own.

So, tomorrow is Mother's Day. And I am thankful that God saw in His infinite wisdom that it was good for me to be with my (ex)spouse for a time. For in that time my daughter and son came to be...and I wouldn't trade that for the world! 

I am also thankful for my own mother who has been an amazing rock throughout this divorce. 

Finally, I am thankful always for the Blessed Virgin, who is an example for all mothers everywhere. If God were to grant me 1/10 of her grace, humility and faith, I would most certainly be an amazing woman!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there. 

My Own Private Pity Party

I've done it. I've fallen into the pity party trap. I'm whining and venting and letting it all go. I know I shouldn't act this way, but I just can't seem to help it lately. My level of frustration has reached its maximum level.

I know there are so many people who have much more right to complain about their circumstances than I do. I am blessed beyond measure by my children, family and friends. I am blessed with gifts from God. So, then, why do I allow my heart to feel this way?

Today I plan on consecrating myself to Christ through Mary. I am so afraid to do this, though, because I am so filled with anger and loathing toward my (ex)spouse. I feel hypocritical and like I am failing God by having these feelings. I will move forward with my consecration hoping that it will at least partially calm the storm within my heart, but am I strong enough to make it through to the other side?

"You'll Never Walk Alone" is playing in my mind right now (Elvis' version to be precise). I KNOW I am not alone. I KNOW there is light on the other side. Yet even knowing these things I still feel the weight of this situation on my shoulders. On my world.

I will be divorced soon. I will be treated unfairly. I will be belittled and ridiculed by my (ex)spouse. He will not have to suffer any consequences for his actions. I will struggle to pay my bills. I will be lied to. I will be able to make it through. I will be lifted up by Christ and Mary. I will be supported unconditionally by my friends and family. I will be stronger and more faithful because of this. I will make a sincere effort to NOT complain and vent in public!


My God, You did not complain about the cup You drank from! You didn't whine about the betrayal or crucifixion. Mary, you didn't lash out at those who destroyed and disgraced your precious son. Your baby. You both bore your crosses gracefully and humbly. Please, please, please help me to do the same. I am weak and human and tempted to give in to my own self pity. The invitations are addressed and stamped. Please, help me throw them away rather than send them along.

Forgiveness

Can people truly forgive? I'm beginning to wonder if it is at all possible. I try, I do. But inevitably something happens and all of my previous anger comes back full force. All of the reasons, moments, actions flood my mind like a movie on fast forward. One after the other. Then, I'm not only because of whatever just happened, but rather I'm angry because of EVERYTHING.

My book I'm reading says to forgive the intent. Meaning, the things most people do that hurt others are not actions intentionally meant to hurt someone else. It is actually just an action they perform for their own self-gratification, which in turn hurts someone else. Take an affair. Most people have the affair because of their own selfish reasons and desires - not to harm their spouse. There are some that do want to inflict harm, but for the most part it is just pure selfishness.

I also feel that as I am trying to forgive I am also expecting him to change. This is foolish on my part, I know, but I can't help it. So many times I vow to forgive him, I beg for the spirit of forgiveness, then he comes to visit our children and will say or do something and I'm angry.

I need to not only forgive the past, but also forgive his present actions because he will not change. I need to forgive him because he obviously cannot help it. I need to forgive because holding that much anger in my heart is hurting ME an I deserve better!

Dear Lord,
Please grant me the grace to not only forgive the past and present, but also the desire to forgive.
In Your name I pray.
Amen

Letting Go

Letting go. Two little words. They sound so easy when said alone, but when taken with a particular meaning they can describe the most difficult action in a person's life.

Letting go. I know I need to let go. I need to let go of the hurt and the anger. I need to let go of the idea of my marriage was, or rather what it should've been. I need to let go of the need to feel that things turn out fair. But letting go is so very hard to do!

I constantly think back on my marriage. I think of the times that were good, of course. But I mainly think of the times that were bad. The moments that slowly killed my marriage. In doing this I am not allowing myself to let go and move on from the hurt. I'm reminding myself of this pain constantly! I am not being fair to myself at all, am I?

Part of my problem is I keep trying. I try to talk to him, to reason with him. I try to pretend he can be a rational human being. I do this and EVERY time I end up hysterical and broken. I can't continue putting myself through this. But I can't just stop trying, can I?

We have two beautiful, perfect children in the middle of all of this. So for them I have to try. I have to keep attempting normal conversations and discussions. I have to watch that I don't speak harshly about their father in front of them. I know we all have our crosses. I know that this is one of mine. I hate that I complain about this burden I should be welcoming. 

Dear Lord,

Please, please grant me the humility to carry this cross without hope of retribution. But rather, with hope of my own salvation. Let my thoughts and actions reflect Your love for others, not they way I might feel. Let me truly treat others the way I wish to be treated, not the way they treat me. In Your blessed name, I pray!


Amen

Am I Not Ready?

It will be one year in April since my ex-husband moved out. I honestly cannot believe how quickly this year has passed. It is amazing how much my children - and myself for that matter - have grown.

This past week I went to my Parish office for the Annulment paperwork. I know it is a lengthy process so I wanted to gather the information so I could pray about it after I was informed. I had thought that I wanted everything to be final - that I wanted to move on. Now, I'm not so sure.

I am questioning myself constantly. Did I try hard enough? Did I tough it out long enough? Did I pray sincerely enough? What will this do to my children? What does the future hold? Is this a mistake? Does God want this? It is all just spinning in my brain and I truly just want to scream. Throughout mass today my mind kept drifting to the state of my ending marriage and the question: am I ready for this to be final?

The answer now is, no. Do I still love my ex-husband? No. Not at all. I feel extreme sadness and loss when I think of him and what our marriage became. But, at the same time, I wonder if this sudden sense of hesitation is God telling me to wait upon His will, or if it is just human fear. How in the world do you know? I have resolved to pray about this, of course, but am so disoriented by my mixed feelings and emotions. 

Maybe it is all because this is not something I ever wanted but rather something I felt forced to do. I feel I am following God's will for me, but what if this is something I need to be more patient about?

World Marriage Day

Today is World Marriage Day. As I listened to the homily at mass, I wasn't certain how I should be feeling. How I should be reacting. The Deacon spoke of marriage as sacred. He spoke of marriage as a sacrament. He also spoke of marriage being the root of the family, and that without a marriage the family is at risk for being broken.

So, will my children grow up feeling broken? Will they grow up believing marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper? No, I don't believe my children will feel that way - because I don't feel that way. I fully believe in marriage as a Sacrament. I believe that married couples are pictures - glimpses - of the love the Jesus Christ has for us.  I know that marriage is a vocation. Unfortunately, my spouse did not believe in marriage the same way I did. 


I believe my ex-spouse is broken. He is lost in the depths of self-gratification and self-exaltation, so to speak. I pray for him. I know Jesus did not create his heart to be the way it is now. His heart is hardened and he turns from God, who would be his only chance at changing his ways. Often times, when we are so immersed in something, we cannot even see how it could be - how it should be. We have to want to change. We have to realize that we long for Christ; thirst for Christ. If we replace the longing and thirsting for Christ with other things, we are ultimately leading to our own destruction. That is what has happened with my ex-spouse and that is one of the factors that has brought me to where I am today.


Today on World Marriage Day, I pray for all married couples. That they fully allow Christ into their marriage. I pray for all engaged couples. That they fully understand what marriage is. I also pray for all of those who are separated or divorced. That they may continue to find strength in Christ. That they may continue to pray for those who have hurt them. That they may be able to truly forgive. And that, eventually, they find happiness in a new relationship that God has planned, or find happiness alone if that is God's will. 


Am I sad today? A little. But I know as long as my eyes are fixed on Christ I will get through all of this.

There are those moments....

Yesterday I celebrated my baby boy's first birthday with a small party. It was wonderful sharing that special moment with my friends and parents. I am truly blessed by the wonderful people I have in my life. The day was great and everyone - including the birthday boy - had a great time!

Then, last night as I was lying in bed, the reality of the situation I am in hit me again. So, I cried.

I cried, not for myself, but for my children. I cried because I had just celebrated my son's first birthday without his father there. I cried because neither of my children have really had a chance to grow up knowing what a family is like. I cried because I can't help but wonder what they will think as they grow up - how they will adjust.

Will they be afraid to be in relationships? Will they resent one of us for the divorce? How will I raise them strong in their faith, a faith which does not believe in divorce, when they come from a divorced family?

I cried and prayed for strength. I hear all the time how strong I am being. How great I am dealing with all of this. And it has been alright for the most part, but when I do have those moments of fear and worry I feel weak and like I should hide the fact that is the most difficult thing I've ever gone through.
My mind and heart scream, "We never wanted this!" I search my memories for anything that makes me think I was too rash in my decision to file. That something would've worked out. I look at how we are now and wonder if we could reconcile. Everything within me says, no, that is not what God wants for me. But, then again, I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness for that of my children. Would they be happier?

Far too much has taken place and reconciliation will not happen. But I still have those moments when I wonder if I am on the right path. Those moments of weakness and fear. It is then that I know I have to lean on Christ. That I have to pray for his arms to carry me through. He will take care of me and my children. He will find a way to plant His love within our hearts and not let what has happened dictate the rest of our lives and views. I pray that I may continue to have the strength to let go and let Him take over.

Blessed be His Name!

It is so true that when times are good we praise God. We thank him over and over for the good things He brings into our lives. It is when times get bad that we forget to praise Him still. How do you thank God for pain and suffering?


A song keeps playing in my head these days. I was first introduced to it when I began singing at church after a long time of not using the gift I have. It grew on me immediately. Now when I sing it or listen to it, the words have MUCH greater meaning. It is written by Matt & Beth Redman and I encourage anyone who comes across it to listen to it. 


We SHOULD praise God and thank Him for everything we are given. He gives us opportunities to bear crosses to become closer to Him; more like him in spirit. Do I always have a truly thankful heart? No. Of course not! I'm human! But when I feel alone and scared about the future and self-pity creeps in, I remind myself of the truly abundant blessings God has given me, and I thank Him for the chance to bear my own insignificant cross so that I might be stronger.


It is said that we will be refined through fire - and come out as gold and silver. Well, fire burns. It scars. But these wounds and scars are nothing - absolutely nothing - compared to what Jesus endured. The wounds and scars we receive here will only make us stronger, more pure.


"Blessed Be Your Name" partial lyrics

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

 

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Who am I?

I have never done this before. I'm not exactly certain why I have decided to this. Maybe it is because I feel as a young, Catholic woman I am very much alone in my current situation. Maybe I think my wearing my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, and speaking candidly about my thoughts and feelings others might feel some sense of peace or hope. I never imagined I would be married, have two children and be getting a divorce all before I was thirty! Yet, here I am. I am, what I consider to be, a devout Catholic. I believe marriage is sacred. I also believe that there comes a time when a relationship is so toxic, so draining, that there is no other option than to divorce.

I filed for divorce from my husband of nearly four years when my second child was five months old. My husband was asked to move out three months before. While the time frame may seem rushed to some, this was not something I entered into lightly. In fact, I am exiting my marriage with much more prayer and faith than I ever had entering it. 

It has absolutely amazed me how present God has been throughout this new journey of mine. He has always been present in my life, but so often I have turned away or simply closed my eyes and pretended everything was alright. I would never be able to do what I am doing now, though, if it wasn't for God's awesome love.

I am not perfect and I struggle daily with my feelings of anger and resentment toward my (ex)spouse. But along with my daily struggles I pray. I pray for all that I need to get me through this time. To lead me on the path God has chosen for me. I pray to firmly and resolutely renounce my own will and replace it with God's. God does not abandon us. 


I had an "ah-ha" moment the other day when thinking about the situation with my (ex)spouse. I was thinking of how I try to forgive, I try to move past what has occured. I try to speak kindly and normally and I try to discuss things like regular people do. But then something will occur and I will end up sobbing hysterically to my mom or sister. Wanting this all to just go away. At that moment I thought, "Well, I just quit. I'm not going to try anymore. I'm through being the bigger person." And it hit me. Where would I be if God thought the same?


How many times have I fallen? How many times have I known that what I was doing was most definitely NOT in God's plan, yet I did it anyway? God didn't quit. He watched me rise time and again and continued to guide me even though He knew I'd fall again. I know am not God. Yet I am called to treat others fairly and compassionately. I am called to love my enemy. Who am I to just 'quit'? Who am I that I can pick and choose who I treat fairly and compassionately, and then become hateful toward others? The answer is: I am no one if not one in God. So, I must continue to do the 'right' thing. Even if it feels like that is a cross I cannot bear.