People continue to amaze me. I try and try to believe that people can change and that good can be found, but daily I am not-so-gently shown otherwise. As I continue to tell myself he won't change and that it is what it is, my heart continuously breaks.
My heart doesn't break for me, though. Reflecting recently on my divorce and the breakdown of my marriage I realized I never felt as if he'd broken my heart. Shattered my world, my hopes, my dreams - yes. But broke my heart? No. Maybe this was because he never really had my heart in the first place?
No, my heart breaks for my children. I look at them and see them as precious gifts from God. Gifts to be cherished and loved. Gifts that, should the need arise, I would gladly give my life for. I see their smiling faces. Full of trust and hope. I see them laugh and play. I would love it if they stayed just this way - innocent. I see all of this and I wonder how on earth he cannot feel the same way? Why doesn't he want to spend every chance he can with them?
Ultimately the "Why" isn't important. It is what it is and he won't change. So, my heart breaks because I know that one day my children will see him for who he truly is, and I know that day will be devastating. I will not tell them. That is not my place nor do I want to be the one who shatters their precious worlds. No, he'll show them himself, I'm sure. But what will I do then?
How will I comfort them? How will I explain why he doesn't come around? So many questions. And I know this is something far off, but I feel I need to prepare myself for that. Already the visits are shorter and less frequent. Visits are missed because of going out or other plans. And as my children ask for "Daddy" and I say, once again, "Daddy's not coming - he was super busy - but he'll see you soon" or "Daddy will be here soon, his new job makes it hard for him to be here" my heart is now breaking.
Thank God they do not know now what is going on. Thank God they still smile and laugh and play and love. Thank God they are mine. I just pray I can be what I need to be for them.
