Friends with Benefits?

While watching tv the other night a preview for the upcoming film, Friends with Benefits came on. All I could think of was, “Wow.” We allow this type of “entertainment” to be glorified and then wonder why our society is so utterly lost. 

According to a submitter on Urbandictionary.com, friends with benefits can be defined as “two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.” And therein lies the problem.  Casual sex, being noncommittal, shirking all accountability and responsibility – these are the avenues our society chooses to take. 

People praise themselves as being free to do as they please, yet at the same time they allow themselves to be controlled by their self-gratifying behavior. How is that freedom? How are you free when you feel a compulsion toward sex? How are you free when you feel you must not commit to anyone? That isn’t freedom. It is simply another type of bondage. Being bound by your own desires and instincts or by what society says is acceptable isn’t freedom.

With movies like Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached is it any wonder that we, as a society, feel the way we do about sex and relationships? These both boast of freedom from commitment. All of the fun but none of the worry, so to speak. The interesting thing is, the end is always the same – you CAN’T have just “casual sex” and not feel SOMETHING. The end always has the two “sex partners” falling in love. That speaks volumes about the reality of these situations that are so highly sought after.

It is even interesting when you think of how sex is viewed when it comes to different people. When thinking of parents, most people cringe and are “disgusted” – yet that is what brought them into the world! For most it was an act of love and commitment that brought about the miracle of life! Then you think of two Hollywood stars – who are actors, not committed to each other, not even necessarily portraying people who love each other - and that’s when people pay to see it. How skewed is that perspective? We cringe at the thought of an act of love, but crave visuals of merely “acting”. We want to see something that isn’t real and that is just satisfying those instincts and desires. We don’t want to see something beautiful and true. 

I guess I am becoming more and more aware of what movies and the media are doing to our views on sex and relationships. The distortion seems magnified to me lately. Thank God I am seeing things more clearly. For so many years I have viewed the world through secular eyes covered with a thin Catholic film. Now, however, my eyes are becoming more Catholic and the film more secular. I am realizing daily that even though people say they want something casual and that they don’t care, they are ultimately seeking the same thing everyone wants – to be and FEEL loved. Love! We need to turn our eyes and hearts from seeking “benefits” which mimic love, and turn to giving and receiving true gifts of love.

Discernment - Where do I go now?

Well, here I am. Turning the big 3-0 in four months, now legally divorced with two children. I say “legally” because I am Catholic and Catholics do not believe that declaring a marriage “over” within the courts deems that marriage truly over. Catholics believe marriage is a sacrament and that the marriage is binding until death unless declared “null”.

                When a marriage is declared null, it actually is not based on the events during the marriage – as most civil divorces are. A declaration of nullity is only given if the events/circumstances that occurred and existed before the marriage would render one or both parties incapable (in one way or another) of truly making a marriage vow.

                I am going to petition for an “annulment”. I have prayed about my marriage and the time before my marriage and I believe that a true marriage never existed. It is interesting to me that I have left my marriage with much more prayer and faith than I had entering my marriage. But, if I had experienced this conversion sooner I would’ve never married my (ex)husband in the first place and wouldn’t have my two beautiful, perfect children. God has a funny way of bringing something wonderful and miraculous out of something terrible and destructive. So, I am moving forward now that my divorce is final with my petition for an annulment. That, however, brings me to my topic: discerning where to go from here.

                What is discernment, exactly? Discernment is basically allowing God to take an active part in the decisions you make. You invite and welcome Him into your heart and mind as you pray about the paths you are thinking of taking. For example, I came to the decision to petition for an annulment through discerning that was God’s will for me – or the path He wants me to take. As I said, I am leaving this marriage with far more prayer and part of that prayer has been constantly petitioning for the insight to do God’s will and only His will.

                It has been very difficult at times trying to figure out if I was going down the right path, or if I was allowing my own selfishness to come into play. When I made the decision to file for divorce (yes, it was me who filed) I prayed constantly for guidance. I prayed that my decision was a wise one, that would lead me further down the path God had chosen for me.  Even though I felt in my heart that it was the right thing I was constantly questioning my decision. So many factors were in the mix. Children. Family. The fact that once you file and the “stuff” starts to come out that there is really no turning back. I did not want to make this decision and realize later it was a huge mistake.

                Not only has it been difficult, I have also placed myself in situations I know were not right. I have allowed anger to seep through my every pore and have lashed out at my (ex)husband, my family, as well as his family. I have felt such strong resentment and loathing toward my (ex)husband and have said terrible, terrible things to my friends and family. Those times have become less frequent, but I still have those moments when I am not allowed God into my heart. In fact, at those times I’m not even allowing him through the front door!

                But I am only an imperfect, broken human. My actions are not right, but they can also be forgiven. I can move on from where I am and where I’ve been and come to the place God has planned for me all along. I do this through prayer. Prayers for guidance. Prayers for strength and peace. Prayers to forgive.

                So, I have once again come back to discerning where to go. I have felt for quite some time an urge to do “more”. I have an unyielding desire to make an impact on others in a positive way. So what, right? Many people want that.  Yes, many people do want that. I am one of them. The trouble is I’m not certain what exactly God is calling me to do with this desire. I feel that the things I have experienced in my life have prepared me for whatever it is. That, in part, is why I blog and talk openly to my friends and family about my divorce. I don’t people to feel ashamed by their emotions or questions or weaknesses. I believe that if someone else can see that I feel the same way; then maybe it won’t be so terribly dark for them.

                For now, I am simply following the leads God is giving me. I will begin a new job next year. This job is monetarily not nearly as good as my last job, but I will be surrounded by Christ openly. I will be able to hold myself accountable every day. I will be teaching in a Catholic school and will be an example to everyone I come in contact with of how one should behave as a legally divorced Catholic who was not received an annulment. That is awesome! How much more powerfully can God show His love for me? Not only has He blessed me with this position, He is also saying that He trusts that I can uphold the precepts of my beautiful, Catholic faith! I will continue praying and looking for the doors that God continues to open.

The Roller Coaster of Feelings

I am divorced. Wow. Three words that literally make my heart skip a beat and tears fill my eyes. My throat gets that tight feeling and I don't really know what to do.

It is all so surreal. I just cannot get over the fact that my kids are now from a 'broken home'. How do I help them overcome that? How do I help them overcome the odds that they won't end up here, too? My heart is breaking for them as I think of all they will never have.

I keep screaming in my mind "I don't want this, I don't want this". I want my family. I want to go to the grocery store and have my children go with both their mom AND dad. I want to live in "our" house - not, as my daughter is now saying, "mommy's house" or "daddy's house". I want my (ex)husband to apologize and hold himself accountable. I want the two of us to recognize that although we don't feel love, we need to make this work for our children. We need to salvage our marriage. The thing is, though, it was never really a healthy, loving marriage. So what on earth am I praying we salvage? A marriage of broken promises and dreams and hopes? 

As I am thinking I don't want this, I'm also thinking I need this. Knowing I need this. Knowing this is right. The marriage and relationship wasn't healthy and we are all better off. But knowing something and wanting something are often two very different things, aren't they?

I am so thankful for so many things. I want to remain strong throughout all of this. But it is so difficult. I guess it gets better. I hope it gets better. I go from this ache I've never felt before to joy at what God has done in my life, then back to the ache. I cry, I laugh, I feel anger, hurt, betrayal, hope, love. Goodness! If this were a roller coaster ride, it would be the most intense one out there.

What am I?

After reading a response to a question I posted about reverting to my maiden name, I started thinking. I certainly don't want to imply that I'm single by changing my name. But, at the same time, while I know I am still married within the church, I don't know that I consider myself "married" in the traditional sense. Do I believe by dating and/or beginning a physical/emotional relationship with someone I am being unfaithful? Yes. I find myself at times thinking of what might be ahead for me as far as relationships go, but right now I won't pursue anything.

I believe I am still married within the church, but to society I am not. So, what am I? Take Facebook. If I updated my Facebook status would I put "Divorced Catholic discerning petitioning for an annulment"? There just doesn't seem to be a proper title for me. I don't even know how to begin to explain the whole divorced-Catholic situation. I feel that by even saying I'm divorced I'm disassociating myself with my faith and going against what the Church teaches. But that can't be, can it?

This is all kind of like losing my place in the world. My (ex)husband has been referring to himself as single since shortly after he moved out. I don't think he's "single", but then again, his faith and my faith played a huge factor in the breakdown of our marriage.

Just a little lost right now. Everything was signed last week so it is now official. I am legally, civilly divorced. Kind of feels like a punch to the gut. I am so, so sad. Really "sad" isn't appropriate, nor does it fully express the level of emotion I feel, but it is still a good word. I had so many dreams of what my life would be and how my little family would grow. I would be a mom & wife. Now, I am still a mom, but I'm not a wife. Guess I'm trying to find the proper label for me right now.

I pray daily for guidance and strength. I pray for the will to forgive and move on and genuinely with my (ex)husband the best. It is so difficult, but I do try. I will just continue to pray for guidance in this as well.