...only to return.
It has been nearly three years since my last blog post and things have changed so drastically in my life. I have gone from being single, devoutly Catholic, and struggling with how my children are doing, to dealing with deep, unresolved issues between my children and their father, meeting a wonderful man, leaving the Catholic Church and getting remarried. That's it in a nutshell...far from the whole experience!
I need to focus on one of the biggest changes, which was my choice to leave the Catholic Church. It was something that I felt very strongly about. I made the choice after much prayer and struggle. I started to make the choice to leave toward the end of my annulment process. While going through the annulment process, and reflecting on what was my marriage, I began to be more and more resentful that I had to acknowledge my ex as my husband at all. He was emotionally and verbally abusive, among other things, and I didn't feel he deserved anything. So I rebelled, so to speak.
On top of simply knowing he was a "bad" person, things surfaced regarding my children that no parent would ever want to hear. It was all due to him, so I struggled with believing in a "religion" that required me to honor marriage vows to a person who was so far removed from any type of faith. During this time I also made the choice to start dating a wonderful, non-Denominational man, which further bolstered my assertion that the Catholic Church was no longer for me.
So, I left. I stopped attending mass and began attending church at a large, non-Denominational church. I married the man I was dating in a sweet, beautiful ceremony outside and began my new life. I still prayed fervently and my eyes were firmly fixed on Christ, but I was no longer doing anything the "Catholic way". After all, did it really matter? I referred to my situation as a crisis of religion rather than faith.
What should have been my first "clue" that I wasn't fully committed to my split was how I felt when my new church did their communion service. While there was a level of reverence, it was nowhere near what the Catholic church shows for the Eucharist, for a very good reason. They don't believe in the Eucharist. They believe that the communion service is a simply memorial to the last supper and that the "elements" are mere representations of the Body and Blood of Christ. I had told my husband from the beginning that I could not receive communion in our new church because I didn't believe the same way. Duh! moment, right?
That seed stuck with me. I began to reflect on the fact that I still wanted my children raised Catholic, that I still believed in the Eucharist, and I began to realize that I was being a hypocrite. I was saying I was focused on Christ while denying one of His most precious gifts He gave to His church - His actual BODY and BLOOD in the Eucharist. Wow. Kind of hit me hard, and I stepped back wondering what I was doing.
So, now I'm reading and researching the "why" behind Catholic beliefs. I'm reading the Bible more than ever and have found Biblical evidence for Catholic teachings. I'm talking things out with my husband, who supports me no matter what, and I'm remaining patient in the Lord that He will work out the horrible situation with my children in His time, for their good.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
In this time of conflict and confusion I stand firm that even this hell will come to something good.
