Leaving the Catholic Church....

...only to return.

It has been nearly three years since my last blog post and things have changed so drastically in my life. I have gone from being single, devoutly Catholic, and struggling with how my children are doing, to dealing with deep, unresolved issues between my children and their father, meeting a wonderful man, leaving the Catholic Church and getting remarried. That's it in a nutshell...far from the whole experience!

I need to focus on one of the biggest changes, which was my choice to leave the Catholic Church. It was something that I felt very strongly about. I made the choice after much prayer and struggle. I started to make the choice to leave toward the end of my annulment process. While going through the annulment process, and reflecting on what was my marriage, I began to be more and more resentful that I had to acknowledge my ex as my husband at all. He was emotionally and verbally abusive, among other things, and I didn't feel he deserved anything. So I rebelled, so to speak. 

On top of simply knowing he was a "bad" person, things surfaced regarding my children that no parent would ever want to hear. It was all due to him, so I struggled with believing in a "religion" that required me to honor marriage vows to a person who was so far removed from any type of faith. During this time I also made the choice to start dating a wonderful, non-Denominational man, which further bolstered my assertion that the Catholic Church was no longer for me.

So, I left. I stopped attending mass and began attending church at a large, non-Denominational church. I married the man I was dating in a sweet, beautiful ceremony outside and began my new life. I still prayed fervently and my eyes were firmly fixed on Christ, but I was no longer doing anything the "Catholic way". After all, did it really matter?  I referred to my situation as a crisis of religion rather than faith.

What should have been my first "clue" that I wasn't fully committed to my split was how I felt when my new church did their communion service. While there was a level of reverence, it was nowhere near what the Catholic church shows for the Eucharist, for a very good reason. They don't believe in the Eucharist. They believe that the communion service is a simply memorial to the last supper and that the "elements" are mere representations of the Body and Blood of Christ. I had told my husband from the beginning that I could not receive communion in our new church because I didn't believe the same way. Duh! moment, right? 

That seed stuck with me. I began to reflect on the fact that I still wanted my children raised Catholic, that I still believed in the Eucharist, and I began to realize that I was being a hypocrite. I was saying I was focused on Christ while denying one of His most precious gifts He gave to His church - His actual BODY and BLOOD in the Eucharist. Wow. Kind of hit me hard, and I stepped back wondering what I was doing.

So, now I'm reading and researching the "why" behind Catholic beliefs. I'm reading the Bible more than ever and have found Biblical evidence for Catholic teachings. I'm talking things out with my husband, who supports me no matter what, and I'm remaining patient in the Lord that He will work out the horrible situation with my children in His time, for their good.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

In this time of conflict and confusion I stand firm that even this hell will come to something good. 

Been a while....

I has been quite a while since I've blogged. Things have been very hectic lately and I honestly haven't had much to say. Not that I haven't had things going on, I just haven't known how to put into words what I've been experiencing lately.

I do have to say this Christmas was more difficult than I expected it to be. I thought the second year alone would be easier...but I was wrong. It almost felt worse. Maybe it is because now I am realizing that I would really like to move on and start dating someone? Maybe it is because I realize things are not going to change? Either way, I was a bit down. Just a bit, though, as it is hard to wallow in my own misery too much when I have my two precious children around me. They keep me focused and grounded.

They also keep my eyes open to the kind of man my ex-husband was/is. Everyone is different, I know. And everyone loves in different ways, but he is withdrawing from the kids (as I have seen for a while) and that is killing me. Whenever I question my decision to divorce, I reflect back on the kind of father he is and know in my heart that my decision was the right one. I still hope and pray that one day he'll become the father my kids deserve. That is something that frustrates my family greatly. I keep trying to make him care. It always ends up with me upset and crying and angry. They always tell me that I'm bringing it on myself and that he won't change. And I tell them, as I always have, that I have to hope he will...for the children. Because my two blessing deserve better.

My ex-husband is dating again. I don't know who, and I won't ask. But I feel incredible resentment toward him for that. It is not that I wish he were with me...no! It is that if I feel so alone, and unable to be loved my a man, and miss out on hugs and comfort from someone, why shouldn't he experience that same loneliness? It isn't fair that I should wait, and wonder, and go through the annulment process, but he's back out there enjoying the company of someone and I am still alone. I know I should be more concerned with myself and not reflect so much on what he is doing, but I honestly cannot help it.

I hope that my feelings of anger and resentment and utter confusion lessen. I pray that I can focus on my own self and goals rather than what he is doing. I keep telling myself that God has a plan for me, and I should trust Him. It is just so difficult to wait on the Lord's plan when I feel so alone.

What the Children Do Not Know

People continue to amaze me. I try and try to believe that people can change and that good can be found, but daily I am not-so-gently shown otherwise. As I continue to tell myself he won't change and that it is what it is, my heart continuously breaks.

My heart doesn't break for me, though. Reflecting recently on my divorce and the breakdown of my marriage I realized I never felt as if he'd broken my heart. Shattered my world, my hopes, my dreams - yes. But broke my heart? No. Maybe this was because he never really had my heart in the first place?

No, my heart breaks for my children. I look at them and see them as precious gifts from God. Gifts to be cherished and loved. Gifts that, should the need arise, I would gladly give my life for. I see their smiling faces. Full of trust and hope. I see them laugh and play. I would love it if they stayed just this way - innocent. I see all of this and I wonder how on earth he cannot feel the same way? Why doesn't he want to spend every chance he can with them?

Ultimately the "Why" isn't important. It is what it is and he won't change. So,  my heart breaks because I know that one day my children will see him for who he truly is, and I know that day will be devastating. I will not tell them. That is not my place nor do I want to be the one who shatters their precious worlds. No, he'll show them himself, I'm sure. But what will I do then?


How will I comfort them? How will I explain why he doesn't come around? So many questions. And I know this is something far off, but I feel I need to prepare myself for that. Already the visits are shorter and less frequent. Visits are missed because of going out or other plans. And as my children ask for "Daddy" and I say, once again, "Daddy's not coming - he was super busy -  but he'll see you soon" or "Daddy will be here soon, his new job makes it hard for him to be here" my heart is now breaking.


Thank God they do not know now what is going on. Thank God they still smile and laugh and play and love. Thank God they are mine. I just pray I can be what I need to be for them.

Friends with Benefits?

While watching tv the other night a preview for the upcoming film, Friends with Benefits came on. All I could think of was, “Wow.” We allow this type of “entertainment” to be glorified and then wonder why our society is so utterly lost. 

According to a submitter on Urbandictionary.com, friends with benefits can be defined as “two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.” And therein lies the problem.  Casual sex, being noncommittal, shirking all accountability and responsibility – these are the avenues our society chooses to take. 

People praise themselves as being free to do as they please, yet at the same time they allow themselves to be controlled by their self-gratifying behavior. How is that freedom? How are you free when you feel a compulsion toward sex? How are you free when you feel you must not commit to anyone? That isn’t freedom. It is simply another type of bondage. Being bound by your own desires and instincts or by what society says is acceptable isn’t freedom.

With movies like Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached is it any wonder that we, as a society, feel the way we do about sex and relationships? These both boast of freedom from commitment. All of the fun but none of the worry, so to speak. The interesting thing is, the end is always the same – you CAN’T have just “casual sex” and not feel SOMETHING. The end always has the two “sex partners” falling in love. That speaks volumes about the reality of these situations that are so highly sought after.

It is even interesting when you think of how sex is viewed when it comes to different people. When thinking of parents, most people cringe and are “disgusted” – yet that is what brought them into the world! For most it was an act of love and commitment that brought about the miracle of life! Then you think of two Hollywood stars – who are actors, not committed to each other, not even necessarily portraying people who love each other - and that’s when people pay to see it. How skewed is that perspective? We cringe at the thought of an act of love, but crave visuals of merely “acting”. We want to see something that isn’t real and that is just satisfying those instincts and desires. We don’t want to see something beautiful and true. 

I guess I am becoming more and more aware of what movies and the media are doing to our views on sex and relationships. The distortion seems magnified to me lately. Thank God I am seeing things more clearly. For so many years I have viewed the world through secular eyes covered with a thin Catholic film. Now, however, my eyes are becoming more Catholic and the film more secular. I am realizing daily that even though people say they want something casual and that they don’t care, they are ultimately seeking the same thing everyone wants – to be and FEEL loved. Love! We need to turn our eyes and hearts from seeking “benefits” which mimic love, and turn to giving and receiving true gifts of love.

Discernment - Where do I go now?

Well, here I am. Turning the big 3-0 in four months, now legally divorced with two children. I say “legally” because I am Catholic and Catholics do not believe that declaring a marriage “over” within the courts deems that marriage truly over. Catholics believe marriage is a sacrament and that the marriage is binding until death unless declared “null”.

                When a marriage is declared null, it actually is not based on the events during the marriage – as most civil divorces are. A declaration of nullity is only given if the events/circumstances that occurred and existed before the marriage would render one or both parties incapable (in one way or another) of truly making a marriage vow.

                I am going to petition for an “annulment”. I have prayed about my marriage and the time before my marriage and I believe that a true marriage never existed. It is interesting to me that I have left my marriage with much more prayer and faith than I had entering my marriage. But, if I had experienced this conversion sooner I would’ve never married my (ex)husband in the first place and wouldn’t have my two beautiful, perfect children. God has a funny way of bringing something wonderful and miraculous out of something terrible and destructive. So, I am moving forward now that my divorce is final with my petition for an annulment. That, however, brings me to my topic: discerning where to go from here.

                What is discernment, exactly? Discernment is basically allowing God to take an active part in the decisions you make. You invite and welcome Him into your heart and mind as you pray about the paths you are thinking of taking. For example, I came to the decision to petition for an annulment through discerning that was God’s will for me – or the path He wants me to take. As I said, I am leaving this marriage with far more prayer and part of that prayer has been constantly petitioning for the insight to do God’s will and only His will.

                It has been very difficult at times trying to figure out if I was going down the right path, or if I was allowing my own selfishness to come into play. When I made the decision to file for divorce (yes, it was me who filed) I prayed constantly for guidance. I prayed that my decision was a wise one, that would lead me further down the path God had chosen for me.  Even though I felt in my heart that it was the right thing I was constantly questioning my decision. So many factors were in the mix. Children. Family. The fact that once you file and the “stuff” starts to come out that there is really no turning back. I did not want to make this decision and realize later it was a huge mistake.

                Not only has it been difficult, I have also placed myself in situations I know were not right. I have allowed anger to seep through my every pore and have lashed out at my (ex)husband, my family, as well as his family. I have felt such strong resentment and loathing toward my (ex)husband and have said terrible, terrible things to my friends and family. Those times have become less frequent, but I still have those moments when I am not allowed God into my heart. In fact, at those times I’m not even allowing him through the front door!

                But I am only an imperfect, broken human. My actions are not right, but they can also be forgiven. I can move on from where I am and where I’ve been and come to the place God has planned for me all along. I do this through prayer. Prayers for guidance. Prayers for strength and peace. Prayers to forgive.

                So, I have once again come back to discerning where to go. I have felt for quite some time an urge to do “more”. I have an unyielding desire to make an impact on others in a positive way. So what, right? Many people want that.  Yes, many people do want that. I am one of them. The trouble is I’m not certain what exactly God is calling me to do with this desire. I feel that the things I have experienced in my life have prepared me for whatever it is. That, in part, is why I blog and talk openly to my friends and family about my divorce. I don’t people to feel ashamed by their emotions or questions or weaknesses. I believe that if someone else can see that I feel the same way; then maybe it won’t be so terribly dark for them.

                For now, I am simply following the leads God is giving me. I will begin a new job next year. This job is monetarily not nearly as good as my last job, but I will be surrounded by Christ openly. I will be able to hold myself accountable every day. I will be teaching in a Catholic school and will be an example to everyone I come in contact with of how one should behave as a legally divorced Catholic who was not received an annulment. That is awesome! How much more powerfully can God show His love for me? Not only has He blessed me with this position, He is also saying that He trusts that I can uphold the precepts of my beautiful, Catholic faith! I will continue praying and looking for the doors that God continues to open.

The Roller Coaster of Feelings

I am divorced. Wow. Three words that literally make my heart skip a beat and tears fill my eyes. My throat gets that tight feeling and I don't really know what to do.

It is all so surreal. I just cannot get over the fact that my kids are now from a 'broken home'. How do I help them overcome that? How do I help them overcome the odds that they won't end up here, too? My heart is breaking for them as I think of all they will never have.

I keep screaming in my mind "I don't want this, I don't want this". I want my family. I want to go to the grocery store and have my children go with both their mom AND dad. I want to live in "our" house - not, as my daughter is now saying, "mommy's house" or "daddy's house". I want my (ex)husband to apologize and hold himself accountable. I want the two of us to recognize that although we don't feel love, we need to make this work for our children. We need to salvage our marriage. The thing is, though, it was never really a healthy, loving marriage. So what on earth am I praying we salvage? A marriage of broken promises and dreams and hopes? 

As I am thinking I don't want this, I'm also thinking I need this. Knowing I need this. Knowing this is right. The marriage and relationship wasn't healthy and we are all better off. But knowing something and wanting something are often two very different things, aren't they?

I am so thankful for so many things. I want to remain strong throughout all of this. But it is so difficult. I guess it gets better. I hope it gets better. I go from this ache I've never felt before to joy at what God has done in my life, then back to the ache. I cry, I laugh, I feel anger, hurt, betrayal, hope, love. Goodness! If this were a roller coaster ride, it would be the most intense one out there.

What am I?

After reading a response to a question I posted about reverting to my maiden name, I started thinking. I certainly don't want to imply that I'm single by changing my name. But, at the same time, while I know I am still married within the church, I don't know that I consider myself "married" in the traditional sense. Do I believe by dating and/or beginning a physical/emotional relationship with someone I am being unfaithful? Yes. I find myself at times thinking of what might be ahead for me as far as relationships go, but right now I won't pursue anything.

I believe I am still married within the church, but to society I am not. So, what am I? Take Facebook. If I updated my Facebook status would I put "Divorced Catholic discerning petitioning for an annulment"? There just doesn't seem to be a proper title for me. I don't even know how to begin to explain the whole divorced-Catholic situation. I feel that by even saying I'm divorced I'm disassociating myself with my faith and going against what the Church teaches. But that can't be, can it?

This is all kind of like losing my place in the world. My (ex)husband has been referring to himself as single since shortly after he moved out. I don't think he's "single", but then again, his faith and my faith played a huge factor in the breakdown of our marriage.

Just a little lost right now. Everything was signed last week so it is now official. I am legally, civilly divorced. Kind of feels like a punch to the gut. I am so, so sad. Really "sad" isn't appropriate, nor does it fully express the level of emotion I feel, but it is still a good word. I had so many dreams of what my life would be and how my little family would grow. I would be a mom & wife. Now, I am still a mom, but I'm not a wife. Guess I'm trying to find the proper label for me right now.

I pray daily for guidance and strength. I pray for the will to forgive and move on and genuinely with my (ex)husband the best. It is so difficult, but I do try. I will just continue to pray for guidance in this as well.