Letting go. Two little words. They sound so easy when said alone, but when taken with a particular meaning they can describe the most difficult action in a person's life.
Letting go. I know I need to let go. I need to let go of the hurt and the anger. I need to let go of the idea of my marriage was, or rather what it should've been. I need to let go of the need to feel that things turn out fair. But letting go is so very hard to do!
I constantly think back on my marriage. I think of the times that were good, of course. But I mainly think of the times that were bad. The moments that slowly killed my marriage. In doing this I am not allowing myself to let go and move on from the hurt. I'm reminding myself of this pain constantly! I am not being fair to myself at all, am I?
Part of my problem is I keep trying. I try to talk to him, to reason with him. I try to pretend he can be a rational human being. I do this and EVERY time I end up hysterical and broken. I can't continue putting myself through this. But I can't just stop trying, can I?
We have two beautiful, perfect children in the middle of all of this. So for them I have to try. I have to keep attempting normal conversations and discussions. I have to watch that I don't speak harshly about their father in front of them. I know we all have our crosses. I know that this is one of mine. I hate that I complain about this burden I should be welcoming.
Dear Lord,
Please, please grant me the humility to carry this cross without hope of retribution. But rather, with hope of my own salvation. Let my thoughts and actions reflect Your love for others, not they way I might feel. Let me truly treat others the way I wish to be treated, not the way they treat me. In Your blessed name, I pray!
Amen
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Am I Not Ready?
It will be one year in April since my ex-husband moved out. I honestly cannot believe how quickly this year has passed. It is amazing how much my children - and myself for that matter - have grown.
This past week I went to my Parish office for the Annulment paperwork. I know it is a lengthy process so I wanted to gather the information so I could pray about it after I was informed. I had thought that I wanted everything to be final - that I wanted to move on. Now, I'm not so sure.
I am questioning myself constantly. Did I try hard enough? Did I tough it out long enough? Did I pray sincerely enough? What will this do to my children? What does the future hold? Is this a mistake? Does God want this? It is all just spinning in my brain and I truly just want to scream. Throughout mass today my mind kept drifting to the state of my ending marriage and the question: am I ready for this to be final?
The answer now is, no. Do I still love my ex-husband? No. Not at all. I feel extreme sadness and loss when I think of him and what our marriage became. But, at the same time, I wonder if this sudden sense of hesitation is God telling me to wait upon His will, or if it is just human fear. How in the world do you know? I have resolved to pray about this, of course, but am so disoriented by my mixed feelings and emotions.
Maybe it is all because this is not something I ever wanted but rather something I felt forced to do. I feel I am following God's will for me, but what if this is something I need to be more patient about?
This past week I went to my Parish office for the Annulment paperwork. I know it is a lengthy process so I wanted to gather the information so I could pray about it after I was informed. I had thought that I wanted everything to be final - that I wanted to move on. Now, I'm not so sure.
I am questioning myself constantly. Did I try hard enough? Did I tough it out long enough? Did I pray sincerely enough? What will this do to my children? What does the future hold? Is this a mistake? Does God want this? It is all just spinning in my brain and I truly just want to scream. Throughout mass today my mind kept drifting to the state of my ending marriage and the question: am I ready for this to be final?
The answer now is, no. Do I still love my ex-husband? No. Not at all. I feel extreme sadness and loss when I think of him and what our marriage became. But, at the same time, I wonder if this sudden sense of hesitation is God telling me to wait upon His will, or if it is just human fear. How in the world do you know? I have resolved to pray about this, of course, but am so disoriented by my mixed feelings and emotions.
Maybe it is all because this is not something I ever wanted but rather something I felt forced to do. I feel I am following God's will for me, but what if this is something I need to be more patient about?
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