I have never done this before. I'm not exactly certain why I have decided to this. Maybe it is because I feel as a young, Catholic woman I am very much alone in my current situation. Maybe I think my wearing my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, and speaking candidly about my thoughts and feelings others might feel some sense of peace or hope. I never imagined I would be married, have two children and be getting a divorce all before I was thirty! Yet, here I am. I am, what I consider to be, a devout Catholic. I believe marriage is sacred. I also believe that there comes a time when a relationship is so toxic, so draining, that there is no other option than to divorce.
I filed for divorce from my husband of nearly four years when my second child was five months old. My husband was asked to move out three months before. While the time frame may seem rushed to some, this was not something I entered into lightly. In fact, I am exiting my marriage with much more prayer and faith than I ever had entering it.
I am not perfect and I struggle daily with my feelings of anger and resentment toward my (ex)spouse. But along with my daily struggles I pray. I pray for all that I need to get me through this time. To lead me on the path God has chosen for me. I pray to firmly and resolutely renounce my own will and replace it with God's. God does not abandon us.
I had an "ah-ha" moment the other day when thinking about the situation with my (ex)spouse. I was thinking of how I try to forgive, I try to move past what has occured. I try to speak kindly and normally and I try to discuss things like regular people do. But then something will occur and I will end up sobbing hysterically to my mom or sister. Wanting this all to just go away. At that moment I thought, "Well, I just quit. I'm not going to try anymore. I'm through being the bigger person." And it hit me. Where would I be if God thought the same?
How many times have I fallen? How many times have I known that what I was doing was most definitely NOT in God's plan, yet I did it anyway? God didn't quit. He watched me rise time and again and continued to guide me even though He knew I'd fall again. I know am not God. Yet I am called to treat others fairly and compassionately. I am called to love my enemy. Who am I to just 'quit'? Who am I that I can pick and choose who I treat fairly and compassionately, and then become hateful toward others? The answer is: I am no one if not one in God. So, I must continue to do the 'right' thing. Even if it feels like that is a cross I cannot bear.
