Yesterday I celebrated my baby boy's first birthday with a small party. It was wonderful sharing that special moment with my friends and parents. I am truly blessed by the wonderful people I have in my life. The day was great and everyone - including the birthday boy - had a great time!
Then, last night as I was lying in bed, the reality of the situation I am in hit me again. So, I cried.
I cried, not for myself, but for my children. I cried because I had just celebrated my son's first birthday without his father there. I cried because neither of my children have really had a chance to grow up knowing what a family is like. I cried because I can't help but wonder what they will think as they grow up - how they will adjust.
Will they be afraid to be in relationships? Will they resent one of us for the divorce? How will I raise them strong in their faith, a faith which does not believe in divorce, when they come from a divorced family?
I cried and prayed for strength. I hear all the time how strong I am being. How great I am dealing with all of this. And it has been alright for the most part, but when I do have those moments of fear and worry I feel weak and like I should hide the fact that is the most difficult thing I've ever gone through.
My mind and heart scream, "We never wanted this!" I search my memories for anything that makes me think I was too rash in my decision to file. That something would've worked out. I look at how we are now and wonder if we could reconcile. Everything within me says, no, that is not what God wants for me. But, then again, I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness for that of my children. Would they be happier?
Far too much has taken place and reconciliation will not happen. But I still have those moments when I wonder if I am on the right path. Those moments of weakness and fear. It is then that I know I have to lean on Christ. That I have to pray for his arms to carry me through. He will take care of me and my children. He will find a way to plant His love within our hearts and not let what has happened dictate the rest of our lives and views. I pray that I may continue to have the strength to let go and let Him take over.
This is a very nice start to your blog. I pray your words my give solace to others. I followed your link from www.divorcedcatholic.org. You express your feelings very well. Thank you for sharing the gift of yourself. May God bless your blog and use it as an instrument of His mercy.
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