It will be one year in April since my ex-husband moved out. I honestly cannot believe how quickly this year has passed. It is amazing how much my children - and myself for that matter - have grown.
This past week I went to my Parish office for the Annulment paperwork. I know it is a lengthy process so I wanted to gather the information so I could pray about it after I was informed. I had thought that I wanted everything to be final - that I wanted to move on. Now, I'm not so sure.
I am questioning myself constantly. Did I try hard enough? Did I tough it out long enough? Did I pray sincerely enough? What will this do to my children? What does the future hold? Is this a mistake? Does God want this? It is all just spinning in my brain and I truly just want to scream. Throughout mass today my mind kept drifting to the state of my ending marriage and the question: am I ready for this to be final?
The answer now is, no. Do I still love my ex-husband? No. Not at all. I feel extreme sadness and loss when I think of him and what our marriage became. But, at the same time, I wonder if this sudden sense of hesitation is God telling me to wait upon His will, or if it is just human fear. How in the world do you know? I have resolved to pray about this, of course, but am so disoriented by my mixed feelings and emotions.
Maybe it is all because this is not something I ever wanted but rather something I felt forced to do. I feel I am following God's will for me, but what if this is something I need to be more patient about?
No comments:
Post a Comment