Letting Go

Letting go. Two little words. They sound so easy when said alone, but when taken with a particular meaning they can describe the most difficult action in a person's life.

Letting go. I know I need to let go. I need to let go of the hurt and the anger. I need to let go of the idea of my marriage was, or rather what it should've been. I need to let go of the need to feel that things turn out fair. But letting go is so very hard to do!

I constantly think back on my marriage. I think of the times that were good, of course. But I mainly think of the times that were bad. The moments that slowly killed my marriage. In doing this I am not allowing myself to let go and move on from the hurt. I'm reminding myself of this pain constantly! I am not being fair to myself at all, am I?

Part of my problem is I keep trying. I try to talk to him, to reason with him. I try to pretend he can be a rational human being. I do this and EVERY time I end up hysterical and broken. I can't continue putting myself through this. But I can't just stop trying, can I?

We have two beautiful, perfect children in the middle of all of this. So for them I have to try. I have to keep attempting normal conversations and discussions. I have to watch that I don't speak harshly about their father in front of them. I know we all have our crosses. I know that this is one of mine. I hate that I complain about this burden I should be welcoming. 

Dear Lord,

Please, please grant me the humility to carry this cross without hope of retribution. But rather, with hope of my own salvation. Let my thoughts and actions reflect Your love for others, not they way I might feel. Let me truly treat others the way I wish to be treated, not the way they treat me. In Your blessed name, I pray!


Amen