I am divorced. Wow. Three words that literally make my heart skip a beat and tears fill my eyes. My throat gets that tight feeling and I don't really know what to do.
It is all so surreal. I just cannot get over the fact that my kids are now from a 'broken home'. How do I help them overcome that? How do I help them overcome the odds that they won't end up here, too? My heart is breaking for them as I think of all they will never have.
I keep screaming in my mind "I don't want this, I don't want this". I want my family. I want to go to the grocery store and have my children go with both their mom AND dad. I want to live in "our" house - not, as my daughter is now saying, "mommy's house" or "daddy's house". I want my (ex)husband to apologize and hold himself accountable. I want the two of us to recognize that although we don't feel love, we need to make this work for our children. We need to salvage our marriage. The thing is, though, it was never really a healthy, loving marriage. So what on earth am I praying we salvage? A marriage of broken promises and dreams and hopes?
As I am thinking I don't want this, I'm also thinking I need this. Knowing I need this. Knowing this is right. The marriage and relationship wasn't healthy and we are all better off. But knowing something and wanting something are often two very different things, aren't they?
I am so thankful for so many things. I want to remain strong throughout all of this. But it is so difficult. I guess it gets better. I hope it gets better. I go from this ache I've never felt before to joy at what God has done in my life, then back to the ache. I cry, I laugh, I feel anger, hurt, betrayal, hope, love. Goodness! If this were a roller coaster ride, it would be the most intense one out there.
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