Well, here I am. Turning the big 3-0 in four months, now legally divorced with two children. I say “legally” because I am Catholic and Catholics do not believe that declaring a marriage “over” within the courts deems that marriage truly over. Catholics believe marriage is a sacrament and that the marriage is binding until death unless declared “null”.
When a marriage is declared null, it actually is not based on the events during the marriage – as most civil divorces are. A declaration of nullity is only given if the events/circumstances that occurred and existed before the marriage would render one or both parties incapable (in one way or another) of truly making a marriage vow.
I am going to petition for an “annulment”. I have prayed about my marriage and the time before my marriage and I believe that a true marriage never existed. It is interesting to me that I have left my marriage with much more prayer and faith than I had entering my marriage. But, if I had experienced this conversion sooner I would’ve never married my (ex)husband in the first place and wouldn’t have my two beautiful, perfect children. God has a funny way of bringing something wonderful and miraculous out of something terrible and destructive. So, I am moving forward now that my divorce is final with my petition for an annulment. That, however, brings me to my topic: discerning where to go from here.
What is discernment, exactly? Discernment is basically allowing God to take an active part in the decisions you make. You invite and welcome Him into your heart and mind as you pray about the paths you are thinking of taking. For example, I came to the decision to petition for an annulment through discerning that was God’s will for me – or the path He wants me to take. As I said, I am leaving this marriage with far more prayer and part of that prayer has been constantly petitioning for the insight to do God’s will and only His will.
It has been very difficult at times trying to figure out if I was going down the right path, or if I was allowing my own selfishness to come into play. When I made the decision to file for divorce (yes, it was me who filed) I prayed constantly for guidance. I prayed that my decision was a wise one, that would lead me further down the path God had chosen for me. Even though I felt in my heart that it was the right thing I was constantly questioning my decision. So many factors were in the mix. Children. Family. The fact that once you file and the “stuff” starts to come out that there is really no turning back. I did not want to make this decision and realize later it was a huge mistake.
Not only has it been difficult, I have also placed myself in situations I know were not right. I have allowed anger to seep through my every pore and have lashed out at my (ex)husband, my family, as well as his family. I have felt such strong resentment and loathing toward my (ex)husband and have said terrible, terrible things to my friends and family. Those times have become less frequent, but I still have those moments when I am not allowed God into my heart. In fact, at those times I’m not even allowing him through the front door!
But I am only an imperfect, broken human. My actions are not right, but they can also be forgiven. I can move on from where I am and where I’ve been and come to the place God has planned for me all along. I do this through prayer. Prayers for guidance. Prayers for strength and peace. Prayers to forgive.
So, I have once again come back to discerning where to go. I have felt for quite some time an urge to do “more”. I have an unyielding desire to make an impact on others in a positive way. So what, right? Many people want that. Yes, many people do want that. I am one of them. The trouble is I’m not certain what exactly God is calling me to do with this desire. I feel that the things I have experienced in my life have prepared me for whatever it is. That, in part, is why I blog and talk openly to my friends and family about my divorce. I don’t people to feel ashamed by their emotions or questions or weaknesses. I believe that if someone else can see that I feel the same way; then maybe it won’t be so terribly dark for them.
For now, I am simply following the leads God is giving me. I will begin a new job next year. This job is monetarily not nearly as good as my last job, but I will be surrounded by Christ openly. I will be able to hold myself accountable every day. I will be teaching in a Catholic school and will be an example to everyone I come in contact with of how one should behave as a legally divorced Catholic who was not received an annulment. That is awesome! How much more powerfully can God show His love for me? Not only has He blessed me with this position, He is also saying that He trusts that I can uphold the precepts of my beautiful, Catholic faith! I will continue praying and looking for the doors that God continues to open.
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